food first? Or introspection first? the food will have to wait for another day. And it will come, i have been having some fun in the kitchen, and i’ll share it soon, i promise. But other things are more pressing.
Sorry, (mostly to myself) that i haven’t blogged in a while. My sister asked me the other day, and I realized it’s been a few weeks. why? I haven’t been that busy. But i’ve been withdrawing.. mentally, emotionally.. I don’t know all the reasons, and likely it’s too personal to share here, but i had a bit of a lightbulb moment this morning. I’ve had friends go through some really deep waters this past year. More than a couple… and even with faith in the Almighty, and prayer, petitioning… we wish we could do more. In our humanness, we want to fix it. bear it. take it away.
Maybe that’s a slight factor in my funk of late…
We’ve had an exceptionally long dark winter with a sprinkling of sunny days mixed in, most of which i’ve missed due to being locked inside working. We had a really glorious one last Saturday, I sat outside for about an hour soaking in the Vitamin D in my lawnchair in the mess of our current backyard, and got promptly burned. It actually felt lovely. One week before, we had snow.. and we had snow (flurries only) again 2 days this week. I should have been taking my Vitamin D to survive the long dark days. (yes, Wilma, yes, Mom… i hear you….)
Maybe that’s been another factor.
These pics are in reverse order.. the snow day was 2 weeks ago, the sun day one week ago.
At home, we’ve been in limbo since moving back home Dec 21, and gearing up for the next phase. Bill just mentioned the other day.. ‘we’ve lived in our ‘new home’ one full season now. ‘ And I realized, yes.. winter is officially over. this is Spring.. and what Spring is like in Ontario. We are seeing much evidence… the crocuses are all in full bloom, the daffodils and the tulips are quite far up out of the ground, the garlic and rhubarb are growing.. and the birds are nesting. We’ve put up a couple of feeders, and within 2 hours, we had quite a bit of activity. My mom has always been a ‘birder’ and it’s fun to watch the relationships she’s actually built with a pair of cardinals in her back yard, and the activity of the finches, sparrows, junkos, and other songbirds she has gathered. So far no finches for us, mainly sparrows, mourning doves, blue jays, one female cardinal that i’ve seen a few times, a lone squirrel & a small party of nasty grackles who still haven’t managed to defeat our feeder. (YESSSSSSSSS)
in scouting around the house on the trampled parts where construction was heavy in the late Summer & Fall, we’re finding persistent flowers coming through. Hostas, Solomon’s seal, tulips, Daffs, crocuses, they pushed through the rock hard soil, and even around pieces of cement. I wanna be this happy little purple guy. Persistent in pushing above the weight and dirt dumped on me. To bloom and open my face to the Son to shine on me.
In reading my devotional this morning (“Journeying with Jesus”, a 40 day lent devotional on Youversion app) I was struck with ….. hang on, i need to back up a bit.
I’ve come to realize in my almost 50 yrs breathing on this planet, that I’m an overly sensitive person. I’ve tried numerous times to overcome this, and realizing it will be a lifetime battle, or thorn in my flesh. Words don’t roll of my back. Being excluded hurts deeply. Passed over. Not listened to. Not asked. This has happened lately on more than one occasion, and it’s taken it’s toll. Others may not care, or are even glad to not have that invite, or that request to participate in planning or be valued for an opinion.. They may be glad for the exclusion.. but it carves me.. deep. I’m guessing none of it was done intentionally to hurt me, or to purposely exclude.. but the irrational side of me, has a hard time believing that.
And i wonder why, and wonder, why isn’t my self confidence or worth enough? Why do I always seek it in others? Then I read this mornings devotional.. and this one phrase stopped me.
I have nothing to bring. no self worth, no self righteousness, no self confidence. Least of all that. My only boast is in Christ Alone, and His work on the cross. We are now exactly one week away from Good Friday. That horrific, wonderful day.. when He died for me. He included me. He cherishes me. He loves me infinitely.. He invites me. He seeks me.
And what have I been seeking?? Seeking man’s inclusion, kindness, opinion, kudos… it’s fleeting, it’s not solid or lasting.. it’s not to be trusted. But God is. And how feeble is my faith to keep forgetting that?
I have no other argument.
I have no other plea.
It is enough that Jesus died.
And that He died for me.